When my Mother got Alzheimer’s… Or rather, once we were aware and actively engaged in caregiving, life pretty much ground to a halt. I did not write much. i guess I wrote a few times on my blog at work. I think I will copy those entries here at some point. I didn’t write in my red journal (recently retired after over ten years at my side) in part because of my physical limitations. I didn’t write much online. I have ended up with three or four blogs out here, none of them particularly interesting to anyone but me.
My thoughts are fragmented out here in the online world, but more importantly, they are fragmented inside my head. My mind sits uneasy, or it runs amok. I remember a truly laughable attempt to practice meditation. At the time, my mother was living six blocks away from me in her own apartment – a daily, tearful trauma and full-on disaster that went on for nearly a year. I had no life. My only way to escape the nightly caregiving task was to flat out lie and tell her I had to work (and of course find someone else to cook her dinner and sit with her). All so that I could take one night a week to attend a class on meditation. I truly, deeply needed the quiet, the stillness of those two hours.
I was not good at meditation. In class I did okay for about five minutes before I started wiggling. There was too much to do, too much to think. Or maybe there were too many thoughts to run away from. Practicing on my own was even worse. Eventually something came up with my mom and I had to cancel the class. I was sad, but the rest of the class may have found it a bit more peaceful.
Fast forward. My mother passed away 10 months ago. That part of my crazy life is over. Stories for another time.
Today, for many reasons, I am doing acupuncture. I go once or twice a week. I am so happy that I have started this! I have a great Acupuncturist. Someone very good at his craft, and kind about my idiosyncrasies – of which I have many. 🙂 I started out doing so well, but as time goes on, I find it harder and harder to sit still and let my mind rest! I don’t feel stressed or anxious so much as bored, or rather excited about doing The Next Thing – whatever that happens to be. I get a lot of mental stimulation laying there. Great ideas come tome and I want to write them down! Or I remember something that has been eluding me for days. I think as I get better, it gets harder. Can that be true?
This is an unfinished post. No resolution or moral to the story. I guess I will need to analyze what this means later. For now, I have to move on to The Next Thing.