Oh, I know I promised to tell the story of the Bad Elf (also known as the Christmas Freezer). But why not make that an actual holiday tale? We could make it our annual holiday story that we read to the grandboy! Do I know any good illustrators? Hmmm… Besides, I think it’s worth telling a few stories that lead up to our heartwarming holiday debacle. So let’s ponder just a few of the early shenanigans.
The incident with the remote control was hardly the only time Dexter was in trouble, and HARDLY the only thing Dex destroyed. As any dog lover says while they are raising a puppy, “It’s a good thing he’s cute.” Had he not been the prince of all dogs from a personality perspective, he would have been out on his ass early on in his doggy life.
But he was lovable – and far too big to move – and so he got to stay.
Do you need change with that?
[Warning: If you are super squeamish, you might want to skip to the next section.]
One early sign of things to come arrived in my inbox one day at work. Hubby was not working at the time, and so was spending good quality time with Dexter. As a professional photographer, he was also taking a fair number of photos. So it was no real surprise when a new puppy photo arrived with his email. Not much text to go along with the attachment, just a simple “have a look” sort of message.
I worked in a sea of cubes. Little privacy, everyone able to see whatever popped up on my computer screen. I had no idea that would be an issue…
So now imagine the people milling about my cube being treated to a photo of Dexter’s poop. A real close-up photo at that! Instantly disgusted (this was before I had built up my huge tolerance for dog crap), made a series of noises or sheer horror. People were dropping in the aisles, either with the dry heaves or raucous laughter. I closed the photo so as not to lose any additional colleagues
Eventually, I replied with the proverbial “WTF??” message. Hubby indicated that I should take a closer look at the poop. Really? Like I need a CLOSER look than that? But I complied and studied it a bit more. I probably put my coat over the side of the monitor, making a little fort or tent so as to hide the image from others. On further inspection, I saw what Hubby was talking about. Dexter, it seemed, had eaten a bunch of change that had been sitting on the coffee table. As with most things, he passed it easily (thank goodness!). Just for added flair, though, he pooped it out in order of denomination. First a penny, then a nickel, a dime, and finally a quarter.
I will spare you the image (though I still have it!), but suffice to say it was a work of art. I mean, as close to art as a close-up pile of change-laden dog poop gets.
Our Hero Eats Chili
Though there were many, many incidences of destruction, I think for me one of the most impressive things Dexter ever did was sucking the chili out of an unopened can. Ta-da….. MAGIC! This was before we had the pre-departure fire drill designed and posted reminders around the house.
I was pulling cans for a food drive. I was at the cupboards, so of course Dex sat at my feet, staring hopefully up at me. “No, baby, nothing here for you!” I said. Something came up and time got tight, and so I stopped in the task to go someplace. Two final cans of questionable freshness sat on the counter – a can of tomatoes, and a can of chili. I planned to take a closer look and probably dispose of them rather than donating them to the food drive.
Off I went. When I returned a brief time later, I discovered that someone had come in and stolen one of the cans! Only one can remained. Stop, thief!! No, wait…. I found one can (the tomatoes) and one mangled mess. The can of chili was simply gone. In its place (and on the floor) was a twisted tangle of tin. It was completely unrecognizable, and it took me quite a long while to believe what I was staring at.
Imagine – this dog knew there were cans on the counter. Since they were at nose level, it was easy to give them a close inspection. I imagine him thinking something along the lines of, “Left me hungry, did you? Pulling food out of the cabinet and GIVING IT AWAY, are you? Well, we’ll just see about THAT, Mother!” Shoot, I got them from the cabinets, so these cans MUST be edible.
Having worked that through, he was able to determine that of the two cans, only one of them contained meat. So he went to work on that one.
Imagine the jaw strength it took to PUNCTURE A CAN. Ever tried to put a nail through a can, without the aid of a hammer? Imagine also the number of times he had to puncture this can in order to suck the chili out. Without breaking a tooth. Without cutting his lips. And frankly, without a terribly upset stomach.
I present you with the evidence: